Saturday, 21 March 2015

Do you feel guilty ... ?

I wish I didn't feel guilty every time I want to do something for myself !  I blame my Mother for this, (she will probably start hurling thunderbolts down at me now)


I was brought up to accept that we should be 'working' all the time, i.e.housework in her case.  To say she was fanatical is putting it mildly, she made Hyancinth Bucket look like a slob !  (for the benefit of foreign readers, Hyancinth Bucket is a fictional TV character who lives for housework)

Nowadays, I recognise that my Mothers 'condition' was definitely OCD - and then some.  She just couldn't stop cleaning, all the time ****** cleaning.  Now I like a clean and tidy house, but this was over and above.  I had a miserable childhood because of it.

Anyway, I'm digressing.  Some of this behaviour has definitely been ingrained into my being.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a complete 'neat nick' who has a home like a photo shoot (well I'm sure you've seen some of my pics anyway), but my problem is, when I want to do something I love/like/am planning/looking forward to doing that doesn't involve housework (!) I feel so guilty that I don't get it done most of the time, hence a lot of procrastinating goes on here !

I know this sounds ridiculous, but when I'm ready to start/finish a project, I look around for things that 'must be done' first.  It's as if I have to earn the right to do my own thing.  I start looking at the skirting boards, or the windows, or the tops of pictures - I could scream !!

So that's where I am right now.  I have an 'altered couture' project that is almost finished, but I just can't do it because I think (believe) I should be working on something else.  It's a wonder I get anything done at all.

I can't sit still for a minute, I have to be up and 'doing' most of the time feeling I'm wasting time if I'm just sitting and 'being' - oh no, that simply isn't done.

I suppose I'm too old now to change, the way I try to get around it is to get all my chores done as early as possible, then really try to switch off and stop looking for jobs so I can indulge myself in some crafting.

I'm sure my Mother ascended into Heaven on a vacuum cleaner and is now happily dusting the clouds.


8 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness, that was exactly my mum, and how she made me feel until this winter - so it has taken me to aged 59 and threequarters to get over this feeling of guilt at not doing something useful all the time and even now it is hard.

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  2. my mother is the twin of your mother. She is still alive and has torn all four ligaments in her shoulder, so can only lift her arm a little bit. She is still continuing to iron everything in site. Is now moving house and basically cannot sit down. I am at my wits end with her. Luckily she lives in Britain and I live in Canada!!

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    Replies
    1. Yes, that's lucky for you Gill !
      I think it's definitely a 'mental' problem, even when she was living out her last days and slipping in and out of consciousness, she kept telling me to take the nets down and wash them so the neighbours wouldn't complain ! I didn't.
      I did everything else though, you have to draw a line somewhere don't you, and I was going to her home 5 days a week with a 160 mile round trip whilst running a smallholding. I'm afraid the net curtain weren't even in with a chance !

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  3. I'm so glad you are over it SSS. It's awful isn't it ? I waste so much time just trying to get started and get over the guilt !
    I don't think I'll rid myself of it now, My Mum did a good job on me !!
    I bet there's not a speck of dust up in heaven.

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  4. I can certainly relate!! I feel sorry and worthless unless I am on my feet and working on something...all the time! I would not dare let my husband walk in the door and catch me sitting down. That was drilled into my brain. Mama would say, "here comes your daddy, you children get up and get busy doing something". By the way, I loved Hyancinth Bucket and her poor husband Richard! I've probably seen every episode! I had to laugh at you saying your Mother probably ascended to heaven on a vacuum cleaner!

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    1. yes I also feel 'worthless' and also jump up if someone comes in the room like sitting down for a while is a crime !

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  5. I had a mum like this too. One of my 'kerching' moments in my recovery ;-) was watching a TV programme which featured a woman in the later stages of cancer. She had taken up painting - something she'd been putting off all her life. She said 'I feel more alive now than I ever have before' I thought it was so very, very sad to wait until you are dying in order to make changes that help you to feel alive. I began to do things for myself, things I'd been putting off. It feels good.

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    Replies
    1. That's a sad yet amazing comment Carrie - one that will stick in the memory.
      Thank you for posting that.

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