Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Bucket ... continued ... !

Welcome to Undomesticated Diva - glad to have you here, hope you find it interesting.
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Yesterdays post brought some  welcome and interesting comments, as well as private emails.  Thank you all.

I thought I would continue it today with a little more insight into my childhood (yawn).
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Boys always had to come first, that's the way it was ... end of.  I had two brothers, one older and one younger.  The older one was my Mother's pride and joy, her 'everything', she adored him.  I came a poor second until the (unplanned) birth of my younger brother, then I came a poor third.


I held no animosity towards either brother, this is just the way it was, I knew nothing different, so accepted that I (girls) were just not so important.  That means when it came to school uniforms, equipment etc. etc., I didn't get them, again it didn't bother me because after all, I was just a girl. I never got the 'ingredients' for domestic science lessons and had to suffer the ridicule of the other girls and the wrath of the teachers. (I went to a girls school)  I also never had gym equipment, never went on any school trips and had hardly any friends because I couldn't ask them to my house.  (Have you got your violins out yet ?  ha ha).

So it's not surprising I grew up with an inferiority complex the size of a bus, which is still with me.

My bedroom was never private, personal things weren't allowed up there.  She would arrange 'stuff' i.e. brush/coms/perfume bottles etc., to her liking and they couldn't be moved.  She would also go through the contents of my cupboards on a regular basis and open letters.

I remember once, (I will never forget it) my paternal Grandmother died, the family distributed the 'goodies', I was given a horrific pair of shoes which made me feel ill even to try on, as I was young the thought of wearing a dead persons shoes was an awful thing, but I had to wear them for several months, they were old fashioned and ugly and I even had to wear them for PE (physical exercise).

Sadly, several years ago, my elder brother died, this destroyed my Mother, she was never the same again and it was the beginning of the end for her.  She didn't want to be comforted by me or anyone else even though I 'nursed' her during the last weeks of her life which meant a daily trip of 160 miles for me, I had to do my best, because after all, I had to have a clear conscience 'afterwards'.

She gave her 'everything' to my elder brother, and it has to be said the younger one was a favourite too, but at the end, he wouldn't go and see her even though she was continually asking for him.  She had said things that he couldn't forgive, even though she was dying, so I bore the brunt and tried my best to console her and make excuses for him.

Some of the emails I have received (as well as Undomesticated Diva) have said my childhood was bordering on child abuse, and even though I didn't realise it at the time, it definitely was.  These days the Social Services would have been called in without a doubt, well for me anyway. I don't bear any grudge for my elder dear brother, it was not his fault he was so doted on, he did not ask for it and didn't welcome it, I suppose you could say I was happy enough to be last in the pecking order.

A couple of things spring to mind while I'm on the 'pity-pot' after the birth of my first child, a girl, I proudly went to visit her, I didn't have my own car then, it took three buses there and three back, I got to the house, knocked several times but she wouldn't answer the door.  I knew she was in, I could see her, but she didn't want the house messed up.

Another time, when I had my own car (all grown up now of course) I drove over to Stratford on Avon where she lived, it was a lovely day, I took flowers, but never got over the doorstep again, she said as it was such a nice day we should all sit outside !!!!  make of that what you will.

Anyway, I did my duty at the end and can sleep at night because of that.

It was not a great childhood.

I will say I did NOT repeat these experiences with my own children, they were allowed to have friends in to play and stay, were well fed, had all the equipment for school they needed, went on school trips, and even though I had to bring them up alone due to a painful divorce, they never went short of anything and in many cases 'led the rest' - as it were.
They are all healthy, balanced and happy, two have their own businesses, and all have happy children.

Thanks for listening.







10 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing such very painful memories of your childhood.

    I am so disappointed that no one at your school recognized what was going on and helped you. Surely the teacher must have thought it odd that you never had the ingredients for domestic science and figured out what was going on.

    You can not change how your mother was but remember it was not your fault. Hold your head up high you have nothing at all to be ashamed of. You are as good as anyone and have lovely children and grandchildren.

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    Replies
    1. Sandy - your kind words are very much appreciated.
      Thank you

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  2. Yes it sounds like mine I was a middle child of three girls, mum was adamant she was going to have a boy and never got over the fact she had another girl, she wouldnt even give me a name and rejected me totally, my dad would leave with a neighbor while he went to work and collect me on the way home, when we moved at the age of 1 mum had to look after me but was filled with hate towards me, when I was 2 we were living in a caravan and she set the caravan alight with me inside I was rescued by a neighbor nothing was ever done, right up to her final few days were I nursed her through cancer and Alzheimer my sisters couldnt cope with it she never accepted me, then the day came she was dying and the last thing she did was touch my face smile a tear rolled her face and took her last breath , I saw that as her way of saying sorry, I have no bad feelings towards her she was my mum and no matter how badly I was treated I only had one mum

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    Replies
    1. Dawn, I'm sorry you had such a bad time too, we have much in common. Thank you for that post.

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  3. Sometimes it is quite validating sharing. I believe your mother had some quite serious issues . Thank you for talking about this and it is interesting in blogs the response from readers who can identify with these experiences . Like Dawns comments above . It does show though how resilient you are as is Dawn . It also showed me the love and endurance a daughter can have for a deeply troubled and complex mother.

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  4. Hi Leisha, yes I now know she had mental problems and I'm sure she didn't realise what she was doing or causing, in her mind, she was doing her best, and that's all anyone can do at the end of the day.

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  5. I believe my mum suffered from severe post natal depression and PMT back then it wasnt recogonised and help wasnt there, I think as she never got help mental health problems accumulated through her life, but I must add although I had it really tough it made me the person I am today when I look at my sisters I could have been like them no thank you I am happy with who I am and what happened in the past is done and nothing can be done to change it so there in no point going through life with a chip on my shoulder it dosent serve a purpose and wont change anything :-)

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  6. I agree Dawn, I now know Mum had mental problems and I don't bear her any animosity at all. She couldn't help it, but I can't wrap up the facts.
    I'm also stronger for the experiences and as someone once said to me 'you don't take any **** from anyone' - ! I guess that's true.

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  7. Wean and Dawn, you are both resilient women . I am a Social Worker who works with children and not all people grow up with your kind of perspective and understanding of your mother. . I find it interesting why some people are more resilient than others . I think you demonstrated as well how many people could identify with your situation . Thank you for sharing your story.

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  8. I certainly agree to some points that you have discussed on this post. I appreciate that you have shared some reliable tips on this review.

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